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Everyone operates differently.
We all have unique methods and processes to deal with external demands like work deadlines, school assignments, family maintenance, and so on. Certain strategies that work for you may not work for others. We also place personal expectations on ourselves such as going to the gym, eating better, improving our relationships, and finally getting around to fixing that fence.
And while everyone faces unique demands and expectations, we all handle these expectations differently. Perhaps you've seen how someone else operates and think to yourself: "How does that person function, let alone live like this?"
You'er not alone. A theory exists of FOUR personality types that explain how people handle internal and external expectations.
It's called the Four Tendencies - and it was made popular by Gretchen Rubin, a best-selling author / speaker / blogger / TV personality who has spent years writing about happiness and the human condition.
In one of her most famous books, The Four Tendencies, she posits that there are two types of demands:
External expectations such as work deadlines, requests from friends, family needs, etc.
Internal expectations such as personal goals, habits, resolutions, and ideas.
How we handle these demands is unique to each individual, but she goes on to suggest the four personality traits of how people handle external and internal demands - THE FOUR TENDENCIES:
Upholder - "I do what others expect of me - and what I expect of myself."
Questioner - "I do what I think is best, according to my judgement. If it doesn't make sense, I won't do it."
Obliger - "I do what I have to do. I don't want to let others down, but I may let myself down."
Rebel - "I do what I want, in my own way. If you try to make me do something - Even if I try to make MYSELF do something, I'm less likely to do it."
Knowing the characteristics of each tendency, and which tendency you are, will go a long way to helping you develop the right strategies for your goals.
THE FOUR TENDENCIES
The author has a free public quiz you can take to learn your personality type. You can access the quiz here. I highly suggest you take this quiz and learn which personality type you are. I know mine, and I'll tell you later. Knowing your tendency will help you adapt the right strategies to meet your fitness goals.
According to the author, there are four main tendencies for how people react to expectations:
The Upholder - (19%)
Upholders respond readily to outer AND inner expectations. According to the author, they make up about 19% of the total population.
(From the author)
They wake up and think: “What’s on the schedule and the to-do list for today?” They want to know what’s expected of them, and to meet those expectations. They avoid making mistakes or letting people down—including themselves.
Others can rely on Upholders, and Upholders can rely on themselves. They’re self-directed and have little trouble meeting commitments, keeping resolutions, or hitting deadlines (they often finish early).
They generally want to understand the rules, and often they search for the rules beyond the rules—as in the case of art or ethics.
Because Upholders feel a real obligation to meet their expectations for themselves, they have a strong instinct for self-preservation, and this helps protect them from burn-out.
However, Upholders may struggle in situations where expectations aren’t clear. They may feel compelled to meet expectations, even ones that seem pointless. They may feel uneasy when they know they’re not observing the rules, even unnecessary rules, or when they’re asked to change plans at the last minute. Others may find them rigid.
There’s a relentless quality to Upholder-ness, which can be tiring both to Upholders and the people around them.
The Questioner - (24%)
Questioners question all expectations, and they respond to an expectation only if they conclude that it makes sense—in essence, they meet only inner expectations. According to the author, about a quarter of the population are questioners.
(From the author)
They’re motivated by reason, logic, and fairness. They wake up and think, “What needs to get done today, and why?” They decide for themselves whether a course of action is a good idea, and they resist doing anything that seems to lack purpose.
Because Questioners want to make well-considered decisions and come to their own conclusions, they tend to be intellectually engaged, and they’re often willing to do exhaustive research.
If they decide there’s sufficient basis for an expectation, they’ll follow it; they won’t follow it if they think it’s arbitrary, inefficient, or ineffective. They tend to take direction only from people they respect.
When making a request of a Questioner, be sure to include plenty of justification. “We need to get the car inspected by the end of next week. Otherwise we could get hit with a big fine or risk a breakdown during our upcoming road trip.” Arguments such as “Everyone has to do this,” “You said you’d do this,” or “Because I say so,” or “I’m the doctor” aren’t compelling to a Questioner.
At times, people may feel overwhelmed by a Questioner’s relentless appetite for information and justification. Their constant questioning may be perceived by others as disrespectful, defiant, undermining, or showing a lack of “team spirit.”
Skillful Questioners learn to ask questions in a way that seems constructive. Questioners sometimes suffer “analysis-paralysis” when they find it difficult to make a decision or move forward because they keep wanting more and more information. They can manage analysis-paralysis with strategies such as setting deadlines, establishing limits, or consulting trusted authorities.
Ironically, many Questioners dislike being questioned. They consider their actions carefully so they find it tiresome or explain to be asked to justify their decisions. Once Questioners believe that a particular habit is worthwhile, they’ll stick to it—but only if they’re satisfied about the habit’s usefulness.
The Obliger - (41%)
Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet inner expectations. They’re motivated by external accountability; they wake up and think, “What must I do today?” According to the author, obligers make up over 40% of the population. The obliger tendency is the most common.
(From the author)
Obligers excel at meeting external demands and deadlines and go to great lengths to meet their responsibilities, so they make terrific colleagues, leaders, family members, and friends.
Others rely on them, but because Obligers resist inner expectations, it can be difficult for them to meet their aims for themselves, in the absence of external accountability—to work on a Ph.D. thesis, to attend networking events, to get their car serviced. Obligers depend on external accountability, with consequences such as deadlines, late fees, or the fear of letting other people down.
In fact, Obligers need external accountability even for activities that they want to do. If you want to read more, join a book group. When a person says, “I give 110% to my patients, so of course it’s impossible for me to exercise” or “Because I’m so busy meeting other people’s needs, I have no time for self-care” or “I’m always on the road managing five remote teams so all I can eat is fast food,” that’s an Obliger.
Behavior that Obligers sometimes attribute to self-sacrifice or lack of self-esteem—“Why do I always make time for other people’s priorities at the expense of my own?”—is often better explained as need for accountability.
The weight of outer expectations can make Obligers susceptible to burnout, because they often have trouble setting limits or telling people “no.” They may, in fact, reach the point of “Obligerrebellion,” a striking pattern in which they abruptly refuse to meet an expectation. Obligerrebellion may take a form that’s small and symbolic, like deliberately being late to work. Or Obliger-rebellion may be dramatic and far-reaching, like abruptly quitting a job, getting a divorce, or ending a long friendship, with the feeling, “I’ve had it. This is over. You’re dead to me.”
The Rebel - (17%)
Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike. They choose to act from a sense of choice, of freedom. Rebels wake up and think, “What do I want to do today?” According to the author, rebels make up less than 20% of the population and are the smallest group.
(From the author)
Rebels place a high value on authenticity and self-determination, and bring an unshackled spirit to what they do. Rebels work toward their own goals, in their own way, and while they refuse to do what they’re “supposed” to do, they can accomplish their own aims.
It’s important to remember that Rebels can do anything they choose to do, and they seek to live up to their own identity and their values. At the same time, Rebels often frustrate others, because they can’t be asked or told to do anything.
Unless it’s a matter of living up to their values and identity, they aren’t persuaded by an argument such as: “People are counting on you,” “You said you’d do it,” “Your brother will be upset,” “This is the deadline,” or “Everyone has to do this.”
In fact, asking or telling Rebels to do something often makes them do just the opposite. The people around Rebels must guard against accidentally igniting their spirit of opposition—particularly challenging for the parents of Rebel children.
Rebels resist control, even self-control, and usually enjoy flouting rules and expectations. In fact, Rebels sometimes frustrate even themselves, because they can’t tell themselves what to do. For the most part, they don’t respond well to supervision, advice, directions, reminders, nagging, or routines, or doing repetitive tasks.
They prefer spontaneity to scheduling. They may act as though the rules don’t apply to them. If a Rebel is in a long-term relationship in work or romance, the Rebel’s partner is probably an Obliger.
APPLY IT TO YOUR FITNESS GOALS
Now that we have an idea of the types of expectations and tendencies, we can start to apply these principles to our fitness goals and develop the right strategies. One size does not fit all.
First, let's assume fitness goals can be external OR internal.
External examples would be a doctor or coach. Someone telling you to get healthy, or demonstrate a high level of performance.
Internal examples would be like having a physique goal or setting a new year's resolution. No one else is making you do these things, they're your personal goals.
Upholders - can create a plan and follow through with the plan. Nobody needs to "make them do it." Upholders make a new year's resolution to lose weight, and often study the strategies themselves. They implement the strategies using scheduling and tracking skills. They like creating and following rules and habits.
Questioners - need to fully understand why the expectation exists. Understanding the WHY and HOW goes a long way to helping a questioner develop the right strategies. These strategies should be customized for the questioner. Questioners need as much information as possible, so tracking and monitoring can be a major influencer.
Obligers - need an outside push like personal trainer, accountability partner, or fitness class (that takes attendance or monthly fees). Accountability is the biggest factor for obligers.
Rebels - need to appeal to their identity. Simply saying "I need to do this" isn't enough. Rebels need to have a choice-consequence strategy, meaning they have the freedom to choose, but also need to understand the benefits and consequences of their choices. "I don't have to go exercise today, but I see myself as an active, healthy person. I guess I'll go exercise today."
I myself am an upholder. I have a strong sense of "the rules" and an almost annoying adherence to my daily routine and schedule. Not following my rules and daily habits gives me a sense of anxiety. This can be useful when I set a fitness or habit goal for myself, but also makes me confused - and frustrated - when others cannot follow my same rules. I have to constantly remind myself that everyone is different, and everyone operates with different internal and external expectations.
So which tendency are you? How does this affect your fitness goals? Can you create your own habits and schedule, or do you need an accountability partner? Do you need freedom of choice, or do you need to fully understand your WHY?
This is a big step, and understanding it will take your fitness to the next level!
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